Walking Backwards
by garganta
Summary: A one-shot, exploring a situation when Alex did not name Piper and Piper's life still started to fall apart around her. Piper/Alex.


Bleary eyes slowly opened as the sun invaded the living room. A groan escaped the blonde lying on the couch, her hair a wild mess, sticking out in all directions. The floor was littered with broken glass from the picture frames that were thrown against the walls in a fit of rage.

Rubbing her bloodshot eyes, Piper Chapman forced herself to get up, to try to find some water and possibly painkillers. Her hangover was horrible.

She still was wearing the same clothes from yesterday; the same clothes she was wearing when she came home early from her potential-customer-hunt for PoPi and caught her married and pregnant best friend Polly riding her fiancé Larry as if there was no tomorrow.

To add to that, she found out that this affair went on for half a year. When they said that, Piper threw them both out. She didn't want to know if Polly's baby was from Larry. She knew now that that was a very real possibility and that was enough.

So, the blonde went to their- or now _her_ cabinet- and grabbed a bottle of Jagermeister, drinking herself into oblivion.

Deciding that the water and painkillers could wait, she went to take a shower, hoping her happy place could help her out once again.

After she was stripped down, the blonde entered the shower stall, turning the water on. It was scalding hot, making Piper wish that it burned the memories from yesterday away.

Her head was hanging down; eyes squeezed shut as she tried to suppress her sobs but failed at it. The pain that her best friend would stoop so low, that she would cheat on her husband with Piper's- _her best friend's-_ fiancé, stung more than the fact that her fiancé probably knocked up her best friend.

She hadn't felt so alone for eight years. Back when she was young and naïve, when she thought that nothing could happen to her, that the love of her life would protect her from everything and everyone. Those were good times; good times in which she travelled the world with her enigmatic, charismatic and exciting girlfriend.

They felt like conquerors. It felt as if there wasn't a place on earth they didn't see. They were in Asia, Africa, Oceania, Europe, South America…they conquered every continent.

But when Alex started to involve Piper in her job- her drug importing and money smuggling job- and Piper agreed to smuggle fifty grand in a suitcase through the airport in Brussels; that was when their relationship started to die.

After a few moments, she calmed down a little; her sobs were ceasing and she took a deep breath before shutting the water off. She stepped out of the shower, dried herself off and wrapped the towel around her body.

Piper wondered what her ex-girlfriend was up to these days. Was she still involved in the drug-cartel? Was she still importing large amounts of heroin? Was she still seducing young girls to become her mules? It was clear, that Alex Vause never was an angel; painfully obvious even. But whatever she was, she was never disloyal to Piper. Up until Brussels, Alex gave her heaven on earth, pampered her, showered her with gifts- no one could claim that Alex Vause wasn't a doting girlfriend.

And no one could claim that Piper didn't soak all that attention up. She was a sponge, Alex's attention was the water and when the water became less and less, the relationship dried up quickly. In combination with- and after Piper specifically said she would never play mule for Alex again- Alex asking her for another run, she couldn't help but leave.

It wasn't as if she was only with Alex for the attention the brunette was giving her, by no means. No, Piper really, honestly loved Alex. Still does. And she didn't doubt that Alex loved her either. It just felt like Alex loved her job, her _career_ more. Paid more attention to it. Piper knew that she was a narcissistic person. She knew, that she liked attention; she knew that she tended to steer conversations in such a way, so she and other people would end up talking about her and things she wanted to talk about. But in the case of her relationship with Alex, she knew she did the right thing.

Now wearing comfortable clothes, she went back to the living room with a brush and shovel in hand, cleaning up the glass of the broken frames. One of her favorite pictures with Larry was the one at the beach; when he proposed to her and she answered with a teary _yes_. He made her laugh at something and she was all tears and smiles when he made that picture of them. It looked ridiculous but so genuine and raw. It was four months ago. After yesterday she couldn't help but wonder how much of it was really genuine. When he went to look for jobs the next day, did he really look for jobs or did he stop by at Polly's for a quick fuck? Did he go there with the intention of ending things and wasn't able to?

Anger was boiling again inside her and she quickly threw the picture into the bin before she smashed it against a wall just to make more messes for her to clean up.

When the floor was as clean as it could get, she went to put her Jagermeister away before she changed her mind, went back to the couch and took a sip. Her phone blinked incessantly on the table, alerting her of unread messages and missed calls, so she picked it up. She saw that all of them were from Polly and Larry; not bothering to read them, Piper opened a new message she intended to send to Polly.

* * *

**Piper to Polly: I am out of PoPi. Cut me out of your lives and anything that has to do with it. Don't bother to call or write me again, either of you. Ever. Fuck you.**

* * *

She sighed, leaned back against the couch and propped her feet up on the table. When Larry did that she used to scold him.

Fucking Larry.

Picking her phone back up, she opened the internet browser and, out of a whim, she googled for the name that plagued her every thoughts for the past eight years.

She waited for a moment and, when the search results came up, she let out a shocked gasp.

* * *

**- Drug Importer Alexandra Vause High On Heroine When House Was Raided**

**- Big Time Drug Importer Incarcerated **(a picture of Alex in an orange jumpsuit was attached)

**- Drug Importer Gets 12 Years**

**- Drug Importer Accepts Deal- Time For Names **

**- Alexandra Vause Names 3 Importers And 6 Mules- 6 Years Less**

* * *

Drug Importer. Drug Importer. Drug Importer.

How _dare_ they, using _Drug Importer_ for every headline, as if that was all there was to Alex. None of them knew, would ever know, the real Alex, _her_ Alex. The doting, loving, affectionate, vulnerable Alex. The Alex, that enjoyed giving more than receiving. The Alex, that loved her mother more than anything or anyone in the world. The Alex that got bullied in school because her mother had to work four jobs to be able to keep a roof over their heads and to be able to bring warm food home. The Alex that got all excited about meeting her father, picturing the famous drummer her mother pictured for her, not wanting to disappoint her daughter, only for Alex to find a useless pile of shit junkie.

None of them knew the real Alex.

And now she was in prison. She started to use heroine at some point. She named people, could have gotten even more time off for naming Piper but she didn't. The blonde felt a wave of nausea after realizing that she could have gone to prison.

She checked the date of one of the articles. Alex only had two more years left. With a sudden jolt of energy, her mind miraculously sober again, she called her grandmother. If anyone could find out where Alex Vause was incarcerated it would be grandma Celeste.

After the third ring, the phone was picked up. "Piper, how are you my dear?"

"Hi grandma, look, I am sorry to cut this short but I need to ask you for a _huge_ favor. It is something really, really important for me and I would be eternally grateful if you could do this you do this for me."

There was a moment of silence on the other end; Piper knew that she really jumped her grandma with this. "What is it, dear?"

Sighing in relief, Piper told her what it was she was asking for. "I need you to find out in what prison Alex Vause is incarcerated."

"And what would you have to do with this Alex Vause?" The curiosity was more than evident in her grandmother's voice.

"She was an…old friend." She hoped that she could at least be that to Alex, after what she did. How she left.

Celeste was scoffing at that. "I may be old but I am not stupid. But if you don't want to tell me, I won't ask further. Let me make a few calls. I love you, dear. Take care of yourself."

Piper smiled. Her grandmother always made her feel better, no matter how shitty a day she had. "Thank you, grandma. This means the world to me. Love you, too."

Piper opened the browser on her phone again and started to gather information on how you could visit prisoners. Apparently there was a visitation list that the prisoners composed themselves and their counselors dealt with the rest. They also could make phone calls.

So the first thing Piper needed to do was to write a letter and to write down her house phone and her cell phone number, to try to make Alex call her at least. Visiting was a huge step, first they needed to talk some things out over the phone. Piper didn't know where exactly she was going with all of this, why she was trying to contact Alex. But she needed to make sure that Alex was treated well in prison, that no one was hurting her, that the guards were making sure she was safe.

But she also knew that Alex still hated her, _had_ to hate her after the way she left. What decent person left the love of their lives the day their mother died? Piper didn't regret _that _she eventually left. Yes, she did miss Alex dearly, every single day but if she hadn't left she would now be in prison too.

But the way she left- that she did regret every day and would regret for the rest of her life.

She was contemplating on how to begin, when her phone rang. The phone almost dropped out of her hands when she saw it was her grandma.

Quickly accepting the call, she pressed it against her ear. "Grandma?"

"It's Litchfield, dear. Your…old friend is incarcerated in Litchfield Correctional Facility."

* * *

She was outside running, running from her thoughts, from the huge clusterfuck that was her mind but it was to no avail. Burning lungs, burning thighs, sweaty all over- it was no use. Her mind was always able to keep up, always working in overdrive.

After she left Alex she could never find real peace, never could just be and not give a care in the world.

Checking her phone for the time, she decided that it was time to return home.

Three Weeks had passed already. Three Weeks since she caught her best friend riding her soon-to-be ex-fiancé. Three weeks of cleaning her house of any evidence of Larry, of ignoring phone calls and messages of Polly and Larry.

Three weeks since she found out that her ex-girlfriend, the person she loved and still loves most in the world is in prison. Three weeks of waiting for a phone call.

She hadn't given up though. Piper wrote a letter every week and sent it away always on the same day at the same time, always wondering if Alex even read them, always wondering if Alex just threw them away after seeing who sent them to her.

Sometimes she wondered if Alex actually had a girlfriend at the time. Maybe they were still together? But it shouldn't matter to her. She had no right to assume that Alex would wait on her to come around, not that she was hoping for that.

When she arrived home, it was to the phone ringing and she ran, leaving her shoes on. She quickly picked it up from the kitchen counter and pressed the green button.

"Hello?"

"_An inmate of Litchfield Correctional Facility is attempting to contact you. If you accept the call, please press 1."_

Her heart was going a mile a minute and her hands started to tremble. She nearly missed the button to accept the call and shakily pressed the phone against her ear.

"Alex?"

"Hey, kid."

Piper chocked back a sob at _kid_. She would always be _kid_ for Alex. That single word, that single term of endearment brought back all these forgotten and suppressed memories, emotions and feelings only Alex, _her_ Alex could wake in her. Her back slid down the counter as her legs didn't have the strength to keep her up anymore.

"Alex…"

A low chuckle escaped her ex-girlfriend, her deep and naturally seductive voice making tingles shoot up and down her body. "Yes, it's me. You wanted me to call. So, I called."

Piper let out a sigh. "I didn't really expect you to call…after what I did…after the way I left you in Paris."

"I didn't expect me to call either. But let's not talk about that right now. Why did you want me to call you? What made you contact me after 8 fucking years? In prison no less."

"I missed you, Alex."

"Yeah, well, tough shit."

Piper sighed, knowing that this would be tough. "I want to visit you. I want to apologize for everything and I want to explain everything to you. But I need to do that in person. Please add me to your visitation list, Alex. Give me this chance, I'm begging you. Please."

There was a moment of silence on the other end of the phone, before a sound of frustration was heard. "Are you making those bambi eyes again?"

Piper couldn't help but laugh at that. She always used to make those big soulful and sad eyes to get what she wanted from Alex. It never ceased to work. "Yes."

"Alright then, visit me if you must."

"Thank you, Alex. Thank you so much."

* * *

It was visitation day. Piper sat at a corner table in the visitation room, waiting for Alex. Her leg was jerking up and down, a nervous habit.

She didn't know where to begin with Alex, what to say, what she was sorry for the most. There was so much to be said.

When she finally spotted the tall brunette, she jumped up from her chair and stared. She stared at the glasses, at her signature eyeliner, at the tattoos that were visible under her white shirt and dull khaki inmate uniform.

She didn't know if she should hug Alex or if they would shake hands or if they would just say hi. She wasn't sure of anything at the moment.

When Alex walked up to her though and gave her the faintest smile she couldn't help herself and walked up to Alex and hugged her tightly, squeezing her eyes shut and willing the tears away. Crying was out of question right now, there was no time. So much needed to be said and they had only one hour.

When Alex hugged her back though, leaned he cheek against Piper's head, pressed a small kiss on top of the blondes head, she couldn't hold back the small sniffle that escaped her, followed by a shaky sigh.

"Inmate Vause!" A guard suddenly barked, making them jump away from each other.

Alex turned around and glared at the guard before she sat down. "Asshole…" She muttered.

Piper smiled. "Still have that potty mouth going?"

"Never left." The brunette answered with her signature smirk. She had so many signature things about her and Piper knew every single one of them.

The blonde looked around for a moment before returning her gaze to Alex. "I don't know where to begin, Alex…"

"How about you start with the apology you promised me?" She leaned back against the chair, her hands folded on top of the table, staring expectantly at her ex-girlfriend.

Nodding, Piper fiddled with her hands on top of the table. "Right…" She looked up, locking her gaze with Alex's. "I am sorry. I am sorry for the way I left you. I don't apologize for leaving you. You know as much as I do that the break-up was a long time in coming and you know I had every right to leave." Alex frowned a little at that, but she nodded. No matter how great they were, how much they loved each other, that break-up was inevitable. "But I do apologize for leaving you when I did. The way I did. If I didn't feel like I could be your girlfriend anymore, I could have at least been a friend for you during such a hard time for you. If I didn't feel like I could even be a friend anymore, I could have at least been a decent human being and supported you through it. I couldn't even do that for you. For the person I love most in the world. I am ashamed of leaving you like that. To this day, that is my biggest regret. Not even Brussels, Alex. Leaving you like that in Paris is the single vilest thing I have ever done in my life. And for that, I will be eternally sorry."

Alex was stunned. She had hoped for an honest apology, but she couldn't help and still be pleasantly surprised. "Wow."

"I had a lot of time to think about a lot of things."

"I…thank you. I accept your apology."

Piper nodded, a shaky, relieved smile playing around her lips.

"You look good, kid."

A blush crept up her cheeks and the blonde smiled bashfully. "I did my eyeliner the way you used to like it."

Alex's face softened. "I know. I still like it."

"I know."

A few moments of silence passed, before Piper spoke up again. "Are you clean?"

Alex looked down at her hands, frowning. "How did you know, that I…?" She couldn't finish her question.

"How did you think I found out that you are in prison? It was in one of the articles."

Alex shook her head. "Look, I was in a bad place-"

Piper held her hand up, stopping Alex from explaining herself. "You don't have to justify anything or explain why you used heroine. I already have a feeling why you started doing drugs and it's just one more thing I'll have to make up for you. Just tell me, are you clean now?"

Sighing, the brunette nodded. "Yes."

Smiling brightly at that, Piper took one of Alex's hands in hers. "Good. I am proud of you."

Smirking, Alex shrugged nonchalantly, playing it down. "I didn't really have a choice. They dried me out pretty much cold turkey."

"But you don't use anymore, right?"

"Of course not."

"See? Once you get hooked on hard drugs it's hard to stay clean. So, I am proud of you. Give yourself some credit."

"Thank you." It was just a whisper, and she didn't look Piper in the eyes, but the tight squeeze the blonde felt on her hand showed that what she said meant a lot for Alex. Clearing her throat, Alex tried to change the topic. She hated feeling so vulnerable and bare. "So…how's Holly?"

Piper's face fell and she basically shut down, withdrawing her hand from Alex's. "Probably busy fucking my ex-fiancé right now."

Alex's brows shot up high. "What?"

The blonde chuckled darkly. "I was engaged for little more than six months, you know? So, I was out looking for some potential customers for PoPi, my and Polly's soap company, and came home early only to see Polly riding my fiancé into oblivion in our bed. He's probably the one who knocked her up too and not her husband."

"Holy shit, Pipes. I'm so sorry, that's fucked up." Alex was genuinely shocked. Though it irked her to know that Piper was planning on getting married, and she did feel a little better that that was definitely out of the picture now, the blonde still did not deserve that kind of betrayal.

"Yeah."

"So, you were engaged?" Piper knew that Alex would ask that. She would too, if the roles were reversed.

"Yes. Larry was a nice enough guy, if a little predictable in…well, everything. But he offered me what you couldn't at the time. Peace, safety, a place to return to. That's what I loved about him. But he could never ever compare to you. No one ever will."

"I know." Alex smirked at Piper.

"Smug little shit."

They both laughed.

"I want you to know, that there's someone out there who cares a lot about you, Alex. You only have two years left, right? I want you to know, that I will be out there, waiting for you. I will help you, I won't run away from that responsibility again."

It was the brightest Alex had smiled in a long time, the lightest her heart had felt in ages. She reached over to Piper's side of the table and joined hands with her again, the familiar habit of caressing the blonde's smooth skin with her thumb immediately clicking in. "Thank you, Pipes. Seeing you again…it's been the best thing happening to me in ages."

"I'm always happy to serve."

"Oh, I know that alright." Alex laughed.

Again, a comfortable silence fell upon them, their fingers linked. Piper felt familiar butterflies all over her stomach, wrecking havoc on her nerves. This woman would be the death of her and she wouldn't mind it one bit. A memory suddenly flashed in her mind, an almost giddy grin spreading across her face.

"What?" Alex asked, curious.

"You remember that night when you made me cum seven times?"

Alex had to laugh at that. "Hell yeah, I do. You little squirter."

Piper blushed a bright red, her voice a shrill whisper. "It was only one time and we were both surprised!"

It was then, when the announcement came that visitation time was over. Piper felt her heart plummet to her feet but she got up with Alex and immediately went to hug her. Even if it was under these circumstances, the fact that she found Alex again, the fact that she got to hug her again blurred everything else around her. With Alex back in the picture, everything else would become background again.

"Can I visit you again?"

"I hope so, kid."

"I'll write you lots of letters."

"And I'll write you back."

Piper looked up at Alex and, on a whim, pressed a soft kiss on her lips. "See you soon, Alex."

The brunette had a dreamy smile on her lips, obviously still grasping that something this good could still happen to her in such a place. "See you around, kid."

* * *

**AN: I usually am not a fan of one-shots, but I needed to get this out of my system. I hope you guys liked it. Tell me what you think, please. Thanks for reading!**


End file.
